Romantic relationships can be a source of deep joy and satisfaction — and also a real pain to navigate.
As reporters who cover relationships for Well, we’re fortunate to spend hours every week talking to researchers, couples counselors and sex therapists who are some of the leading experts on love and who have seemingly endless wisdom to share. (Are our own relationships better for it? You’d have to ask our partners.)
Here is some of the most helpful advice we have heard this year so far, whether you are looking to find new ways of connecting, to spice up your sex life or simply to strengthen your partnership.
1. Learn to give a satisfying apology (in six simple steps).
Saying we are sorry can be difficult because it requires vulnerability and humility, said Lisa Leopold, who researches apologies. She and other experts distilled a good apology to six steps:
-
First, say “I apologize” or “I’m sorry.” Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, Ms. Leopold said.
-
Second, explain why you’re sorry — being specific about what you’ve done can make the other person feel understood, said Beth Polin, another academic who studies apologies.
-
Third, acknowledge any harm you’ve caused.
-
Fourth, vow not to do it again (if that’s realistic).
-
Fifth, offer to repair the situation.
-
Finally, let the person know that you desire their forgiveness, not because you want to wriggle off the hook, but “because of how much you care about them,” said Karina Schumann, a social psychologist who specializes in conflict resolution.
For a show of remorse to be truly effective, it should be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, Dr. Schumann said.
2. Embrace those awkward sex talks.
Some couples find the prospect of having a frank conversation about sex so uncomfortable, they’d rather split up than attempt it, said Jeffrey Chernin, a therapist in Los Angeles. But he often tells his clients that the only way to have better sex is to talk about it.
One simple mind-set shift that can help is to anticipate that talking about sex will be awkward — particularly at first, and particularly if you or your partner are reluctant.
“We’ve been tricked into believing sex is natural,” said Cyndi Darnell, a therapist in New York City. “But if it were easy and natural, people wouldn’t struggle with it as much as they do.” You might want to draft some questions or even a script ahead of time, she added. Doing so can offer scaffolding as you ease your way into the subject.
3. Inject some playfulness into financial conversations.
Money is another taboo topic for a lot of couples, and it can be a painful one for those facing financial hardships. Still, it’s a mistake to only ever discuss the bad stuff, said Megan McCoy, an assistant professor in the personal financial planning department at Kansas State University.
A couple of times a year, she and her husband buy a lottery ticket, go on a date and spend their time fantasizing about what they would do with their millions. That kind of daydreaming can help reconnect you with your dreams and values, even if it is entirely far-fetched.
“I really do think it’s a huge mistake to only talk about scarcity — where we should cut, how we should budget,” Dr. McCoy said. “You can learn so much from having those positive, playful conversations.”
4. To strengthen your bond, read aloud to each other.
When we think of reading aloud, we often associate it with children, said the award-winning children’s author Kate DiCamillo. But grown-ups need to hear stories spoken out loud, too, she said.
Through the act of reading, Maryanne Wolf, a researcher and scholar at U.C.L.A., said, “we are transmitting emotions, we are transmitting affection.”
You can read a passage to your partner before bed, Ms. DiCamillo suggested. Reading aloud is a profound way to connect with somebody: “You’re offering yourself,” she said. “It doesn’t have to be perfect.”
5. If your partner is ignoring a health issue, collaborate on a solution.
When one person in a relationship refuses to deal with a health problem, it can make the other frustrated and resentful. But using guilt or pressure to get your partner to take action rarely works, experts said.
So start the conversation by stating your affection and calmly sharing your worries, which can disarm a reluctant partner, said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist at Northwestern University.
Then, ask about any health anxieties they may have and listen with an open mind, said Dr. Steven Starks, a geriatric psychiatrist at the University of Houston.
List specific ways that you are willing to help, like scheduling or tagging along on appointments to take notes, Dr. Solomon said.
And if you’re urging your partner to have a healthier lifestyle, find ways to actively support those changes, like going on regular walks together, said Jennifer Taber, an associate professor of psychological science at Kent State University.
6. To stop squabbling over household clutter, focus on function.
Tracy McCubbin, a professional declutterer married to a somewhat messy man, said that organizationally mismatched couples who succeed at finding peace tend to prioritize livability rather than looks.
“The goal in getting organized is to make your home work for you,” she said. “It’s not about rainbow bookshelves or making things look perfect. It’s about getting control of clutter so that you can cook in your kitchen and actually use your garage.”
Ms. McCubbin encourages her clients to pour most of their energy into their common spaces. For example, she and her husband like to cook, so the kitchen has to work for both of them. But she doesn’t fret over the mess in his bathroom or office.
