When I received a notice from my doctor to schedule my first colonoscopy, I put it off for nearly two years. I didn’t relish the idea of bowel prep, and I was nervous the procedure would hurt.
As the months rolled on, my husband pleaded with me to make the appointment. I ignored him, so, in desperation, he enlisted my no-nonsense mother.
“Hey there!” she hollered at me over the phone. “You know what’s worse than drinking laxatives for a day? Cancer!”
Many experts — both psychologists and primary care physicians — told me that they see this a lot with couples: One partner refuses or delays dealing with a health problem, and it makes the other frustrated and resentful.
Those neglecting their health can feel judged as “lazy or careless or indulgent or risky,” said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.
Meanwhile, the other person can come off as, “I’m sitting over here with my apples and my bananas and my annual mammogram,” she explained. “It’s you that’s the hot mess.”
She and other experts shared advice for how to meet in the middle.
Collaborate rather than confront.
If you’re the person urging the other to get checked out, said Dr. Solomon, start the conversation by reminding your partner of your affection. Then calmly share how the avoidance makes you feel.
Dr. Solomon suggested the following script: “I want you around for as many years as possible. I love the things we’re able to do together right now. And the idea of no longer being able to do those things scares me and makes me sad.”
Own your part in the back-and-forth, she added. If you’re anxious, for example, you could say something like “‘I need to figure out how to manage my anxiety, because it tends to come out as complaining, cajoling, giving you printouts or guilt-tripping you,’” Dr. Solomon said.
A 2020 study of couples who wanted their partners to make health-related changes — such as quitting smoking and starting to exercising — found that using pressure and guilt wasn’t effective in changing behavior, but offering support and encouragement was.
Being candid about your worries can disarm your reluctant partner, Dr. Solomon said, and allow for a more connected conversation.
Then, ask about any health anxieties, and listen with an open mind, said Dr. Steven Starks, a geriatric psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor at the University of Houston’s Tilman J. Fertitta Family College of Medicine.
There may be many reasons your partner would rather avoid tests and screenings, he said, like fear of getting bad news or a history of feeling dismissed by doctors.
Get your partner talking as much as possible, added Dr. Starks. He mentioned a patient whose spouse had a medical condition that was seemingly treatable, but required a procedure. The spouse decided against it and died within the year, he said, leaving the patient both grief-stricken over the loss and angry that it might’ve been avoided.
Offer concrete ways to help.
List specific ways that you will show up for your partner and make things as easy as possible, like offering to schedule the doctor’s appointment and tag along for the visit. Volunteer to be the note taker or the question asker, Dr. Solomon said, “or tell them ‘I can take you out to lunch after.’”
If you’re urging your partner to have a healthier lifestyle, find ways to actively support those changes, said Jennifer Taber, an associate professor of psychological science at Kent State University who studies health behaviors. If your partner needs to start exercising, for instance, suggest going on regular walks together, she said.
Call in another messenger if you have to.
It may be easier for your loved one to talk about health issues with someone else, such as a friend or a sibling, Dr. Starks said. “Because the stakes aren’t as high, where the person feels like they’re letting their partner down.”
If that’s the case, ask for help. That’s what my husband did when he called in my mother to bulldoze me on my colonoscopy. I got it done the following month, because my mom scares me more than an endoscopy camera.
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