When my sister Dinah’s marriage ended after 25 years, one of her friends set up twice weekly “vent walks,” where my sister could say anything she wanted about her divorce — with no fear she was being a burden.
“After a while, you feel self-conscious talking about it,” Dinah told me, “like people want you to move on.”
About a third of American adults who marry end up getting a divorce. But for such a common experience, divorce can feel incredibly isolating, said Jeffrey Gardere, a clinical psychologist in Manhattan.
“It completely changes your life direction,” said Dr. Gardere, who is divorced himself. “You feel rudderless.”
A thoughtful, specific gesture like a “vent walk” can be a gift, he said. So I asked experts for other ideas to help a loved one who is going through a divorce.
Make plans during the toughest part of your friend’s week.
For those who are newly divorced, some parts of the week can be especially painful, said Claudia Glaser-Mussen, a psychotherapist in New York City.
Ask your friend if there are specific days or times that feel harder than others, Glaser-Mussen said. Maybe it’s Friday night at cocktail hour, when your friend used to have drinks with their spouse. Then plan activities for those rough patches, she said.
Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist and the author of “The Breakup Bible,” said that her divorced clients are often nostalgic for small domestic routines they used to have with their spouses. So ask your friend what they miss that you can do together, whether it’s gardening or grocery shopping, she said.
Invite your friend — to everything.
Keep including your friend in your plans, Dr. Sussman said. Don’t assume they will feel like a third wheel if you have a partner. “Bring them with you to movies, dinners, plays — anything,” she said.
Or you can ask your friend to come to a family dinner, Dr. Sussman suggested. “Just offer, and keep offering,” she said. “You’re creating community and structure for them.”
In the throes of her divorce, Dinah asked me to invite her to everything because it shook up her schedule and encouraged her to spend time outside of her too-quiet house. So I barraged her with offers, including a blood drive (“will there be cookies?” she asked) and a cat-adoption fair (“will there be kittens?”).
Don’t trash your friend’s ex.
It can be tempting to tear down your friend’s ex, Dr. Gardere said, but not only does that prevent them from moving forward and healing, but “it can make them feel even more terrible about the person they chose.”
So try to keep it positive, Dr. Gardere said. “Your friend doesn’t need to hear how bad that person was for them,” he added. “They need warmth and a hug and a good meal.”
Offer to help announce the split.
Clients who are splitting up “often feel embarrassed and feel like they failed,” Dr. Sussman said. My sister said she had felt that way, too, “though we had a good run.” So when it came time to tell people about her divorce, a friend helped her share the news in a private Facebook group.
This spared her the responsibility of having to tell everyone individually and answered some basic questions upfront. So ask your friend if they need help getting the word out, Dr. Gardere said, and what they’d like to be conveyed.
Help your friend “rediscover” themself.
Lydia Emery, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Chicago who studies relationships and identity, recommended asking your friend: “Were there any aspects of yourself that you couldn’t express in your relationship?”
Maybe your friend loved to try new foods, but their spouse was a picky eater, Dr. Emery said. Encourage your friend to rediscover some earlier interests, she said; you can even offer to scout out new restaurants together.
My sister always loved seeing live music before her marriage. Friends encouraged her to do it again, and she recently attended a music festival for the first time in decades.
“I was probably the oldest person there,” she told me. “And I had a blast.”
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